This week I’d like to talk about something that a lot of neurodivergents have observed in their social circle- that lot’s of our friends are also neurodivergent! Prior to my autism diagnosis, I did not have any friends on the spectrum, or so I thought… Over the past 11 years, many of my friends have sought or are currently seeking autism and ADHD assessments. In the last year alone I’ve had four friends seek my advice about getting diagnosed.
During my school years, I didn’t really have a core group of close friends; people just didn’t get me, nor I them. Going to university opened up an entirely new world, widening my social pool and enabling me to meet more likeminded people. I quickly found tribes of friends who were equally quirky with similar interests that I connected with on a level that I couldn’t explain. We would connect within minutes as if we had known each other our whole lives, feeling completely comfortable in each others presence, unknowingly unmasking.
After my diagnosis, I slowly started to notice common autistic traits among my friends. At first I thought it was funny when friends would say the more they listened to me talking about my traits, the more paranoid they became that they had autism, but now I see the grains of truth. I’ve spoken about this with my neurodivergent friends and they have also noticed similar patterns in their social circles.
There isn’t really any research on this topic, but it seems that there is a general pattern of neurospicy birds of a feather flocking together. Autists tend towards sameness and familiarity, so naturally our social preferences also mimic these patterns. Studies have shown that friends tend to have similar brain activity patterns called neural synchrony- so on a biological level, we are designed to seek out minds that are similar to our own. In addition, studies have shown that our noses play an important part in forming friendships as we tend to gravitate towards people with natural scent profiles similar to our own. Given how autists are sensitive to smell, it’s fair to say that perhaps our nose is handpicking neurodivergent friends for us!
This week I’d like to discuss a topic that many autists struggle with- boredom. We all know the feeling, that mental itch that makes you want to jump out of your skin, but for autists boredom can be so much worse.
Many autists, especially those with co-morbid ADHD, crave constant stimulation. As a result, boredom occurs more easily than neurotypicals. A simple lack of interest in a topic, if a task is too easy, or feeling overwhelmed can trigger boredom and autists will tune out fast. When this happens, it can lead to negative behaviours where an autist will act out and be destructive and disruptive, it might even trigger a meltdown in chronic scenarios (I have had this happen in work following months of tedious tasks🙈).
Boredom has always been a challenge for me. I constantly need to be working on something. In school I often got in trouble for reading/drawing/writing during class as I would get ahead of my work and need to keep my hands busy while waiting for the lesson to move forward. If anything they should have encouraged my habit for productivity in my downtime! 🤷♀️
But what does the science have to say?
As I’ve discussed previously, autists have higher levels of stimulating neurotransmitters and lower levels of calming neurotransmitters, so their neurons are firing excessively in the brain. When they aren’t able to channel this excess stimulation into something, boredom takes over which can lead to negative behaviours that cause problems. Autists also have dysregulated levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine- the chemical involved in motivation, pleasure and reward systems. When dopamine levels are low, motivation is low, so when an activity is not enjoyable, autists won’t have the brain power to engage and boredom will set in.
On another level, there have been reports from doctors claiming that FMRI scans of ADHD brains show that areas of the brain associated with pain light up when they experience boredom, suggesting that boredom might actually be a painful experience for neurodivergents. However, other neuroscientists have refuted this claim as the human pain response largely remains a mystery, so making this assumption from the data is a bit of a stretch.
This week I’d like to discuss autism in one of my favourite teenage book series ‘The Princess Diaries‘ (we won’t go into the films- they deviated too much from the books and Anne Hathaway comes across more adorably awkward than autistic).
So what are the books about?
The books focus on American teenager Mia Thermopolis and her discovery that she is secretly a princess to the small European principality of Genovia. Mia keeps a diary to help process her feelings in the wake of this massive revelation, whilst also navigating the ups and downs of school life, teenage crushes, bullies, self image and self-discovery. Two later books geared at the adults who grew up with Mia document her royal wedding and experiences of quarantine life during the Covid-19 pandemic.
But what about autism?
Now here’s where things get interesting. Reading these books was probably the first time that I had ever heard of Asperger’s syndrome (the original series was written pre-2013 when Asperger’s was still a separate diagnosis). Mia is assigned to do a report on the condition in psychology class in book 5 ‘Princess in Pink‘ (or ‘Give Me Five ‘ as I knew it), quickly identifying with many traits, and subsequently diagnosing herself and everyone in her social circle. However, her mother reminds her that she thought she had Tourette’s syndrome during her previous assignment, brushing away her fears and never mentioning autism again. Her mom does suggest that Mia’s best friend Lily might have Aspergers- which is likely, but in my opinion Lily tends to veer more towards narcissism than spectrum.
Princess Diaries author Meg Cabot
So is Mia really autistic?
Despite being brushed off by her family, I (and many other autistic readers) believe that ironically Mia is quite likely on the spectrum. I always identified with Mia and saw a lot of myself in her. Tomboyish and nerdy, she always marched to her own beat (in spite of her bullies), but struggled to fit in outside her close knit friend group. She’s a highly sensitive over-thinker with a tendency to catastrophize and create scenarios in her head out of nothing. She obsesses over the minutia of how the world perceives her and the social pressures and expectations of society (she spends several books overthinking about her readiness for physical intimacy and what is expected of her), often describing herself as a ‘freak’ who wants to be normal. An avid writer, Mia journals everything in detail, her thoughts often resonating with ADHD thinking. Moreover, she is quite drawn to smells like her brothers head and her boyfriend’s neck, feeling calmer after she has sniffed these- something that many autists can relate to. She also tends to look to romantic comedies and romance novels for how relationships should play out- something that many experts have noted autistic women do.
One moment in particular stands out to me with the hindsight of my diagnosis. In the 6th book Princess in Training (Sixsational in the UK/Ireland), Mia completely cracks under the pressure of her princess duties, running for student council, her first ever B in English, and her paranoia that her boyfriend will break up with her as she’s not ready for sex. After seeing her grandmother handing out pens in school for her presidential campaign, she freaks out, starts throwing the pens and completely breaks down crying and is hauled off to the nurses office, an incident the nurse described as “a crying jag”. This seems far more like a classic meltdown to me. Moreover, there are many more instances of things like this where when things go wrong, Mia goes into flight mode running off with her diary to her fire escape, the school roof, abandoned stairwells and spends an awful lot of time in bathroom stalls mirroring my own responses to upsetting situations as a teenager.
Some readers however were not happy about Mia’s assumption that everyone she knows has Asperger’s. Meg Cabot has apologised on her blog for any pain caused by this as she was trying to portray how Asperger’s can be so diverse in it’s symptoms and how we all have traits, but was mainly trying to show the phenomenon of thinking you have the disease you’re reading about. On another level, I think this is really interesting how Mia keeps seeing it in her friend group as quite often neurodivergents tend to gravitate towards each other (a number of my friends have sought autism/ADHD diagnoses as adults), so it’s fair to say her friends likely do have many autistic traits.
Not much was widely known about the female experience of autism back when these books were written, but it’s a pretty accurate depiction, however unintentional.
Leading on from my previous post about autism and ADHD, this week I’d like to expand on the topic by discussing the concept of AuDHD- aka autism + ADHD.
ADHD has been getting a lot of online attention in the last couple of years with many adults getting late life diagnoses as knowledge of the condition has advanced. Up to 10 years ago, it was thought that both autism and ADHD were completely separate diagnoses with no overlap. Now, it’s thought that 30-80% of autists also have ADHD, with many discovering they had autism during an ADHD diagnosis and vice versa.
When I previously wrote about this topic, I estimated that I was mildly ADHD, but the more stories I have been hearing about the experiences of female ADHDers, I exhibit a lot more traits than I originally thought. Because I wasn’t fitting the classic impulsive/hyperactive model of ADHD, I never thought to dig much deeper, buuutttttt, just like autism, it turns out that there are differences in symptoms between men and women. The original research observed more men than women (there’s a whole history of women being under researched in medicine) and so it was believed to impact more males than females, but, as with autism, sex differences and masking behaviours have made it very difficult to diagnose ADHD in women. ADHD also operates on a severity spectrum which can make it difficult to pick up on.
With all this overlap, enter the concept of AuDHD.
One of the most fascinating aspects of AuDHD is it’s paradoxical nature:
Autists like routine, but ADHD makes it difficult to maintain
ADHDers crave stimulation, but autists get easily overstimulated
Autists are rigid with rules, timekeeping and planning, but ADHDers suffer from time-blindness, impulsivity and hyperactivity making it difficult to follow plans and rules
ADHDers can be messy and chaotic, but autists like order and systemising
Effectively in AuDHD, the paradoxes can camouflage each other, making it much harder to diagnose either disorder. It’s like having 2 different brains fighting for control, but only one or the other will win out at any given time. For example, today you might do a weeks worth of work, tomorrow you might struggle to find the dopamine to do anything.
At other times, the symptoms are symbiotic. For example in my case, I can have complete time-blindness when I’m in the middle of something, but if I need to keep an appointment, the social rules governing lateness force me to be on time. AuDHD is a constant seesaw between the two conditions, a separate presentation in itself.
While it’s not a separate diagnosis yet, given the prevalence of comorbidity, who knows what the future will hold as neurodivergent research increases.
This week I’d like to take a quick look at some likely spectrum characters in the beloved TV sitcom Friends. Now I know what you’re thinking, autism was never mentioned during the 10 season run (likely due to a lack of general awareness of the condition during the 1990s), but many people have retrospectively noticed some autistic traits in the gang.
For those of you who have been living under a rock (or are so young you have yet to see the show), the TV series follows 6 friends in their 20’s/30’s living in New York, charting their friendship and the hilarious antics they get up to. Here’s a compilation video of the iconic intro across the seasons to give you a flavour of the show:
So let’s get to autism. First up- let’s take a look at Ross Geller (David Schwimmer).
Ross displays many traits of a high functioning autist. He’s a quirky, highly strung palaeontologist (do I smell a stereotype?) who is intensely passionate about science.
He is often socially awkward, misses out on social cues and sarcasm, moves with an unusual gait, and shows signs of sensory issues (he thinks that ice-cream is too cold). Ross is also prone to impulsive decisions, obsessive tendencies, and outbursts of rage that border on meltdown-like behaviour as you can see in the clip below.
Ross’s sister Monica (played by Courtney Cox) on the other hand, while not as overtly quirky as Ross, also displays some traits. Her OCD and control issues are often centre stage in the show with many comedic moments drawing from this. She can be an obsessive overthinker and fiercely competitive, often fixating on certain topics in her pursuit of perfectionism.
Her compulsive overeating in her teen years could also be considered an autistic trait. She may not be quite as neurodivergent as her brother, but she could fall under broader autism phenotype as do many siblings of autists. The iconic dance scene between the brother-sister duo really highlights their quirkiness and possible neurodiversity in their complete blindness at how ridiculous they look.
Finally, let’s take a look at the iconic Phoebe Buffay. Portrayed by Lisa Kudrow, Phoebe is the quintessential outsider displaying many autistic and ADHD traits. Brutally honest and hyperactive, she unashamedly marches to her own beat, completely oblivious to how others perceive her (or her terrible singing). She also flaps her hands an awful lot in the show and has been known to chew her hair in earlier seasons which are signs of stimming behaviour.
Interestingly, neurodivergent individuals tend to stick together in real life (I’ve spoken to many spectrum friends and you tend to subconsciously attract each other 🤣), which could explain why 3 out of the group of 6 display autistic traits. This is perhaps the most realistic aspect of autism that the show unconsciously portrays.
Now obviously we will never know if these characters are on the spectrum, but it’s still nice to see clearly neurodivergent characters marching to the beat of their own drum for us to identify with 🙂
This week I’d like to talk about another co-morbid condition with autism and ADHD– rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD).
So what exactly is RSD?
RSD is an intense or overwhelming emotional sensitivity to rejection and criticism (both perceived and real). This can cause intense emotional pain that can be difficult to bear.
Looking back over my childhood, I really struggled with RSD. Whilst I am well versed in the art of rejection now that I’m in my thirties, growing up as an undiagnosed autist did not make for an easy ride. Even the slightest rejections could trigger meltdowns as my brain struggled to process the situation. Something as simple as someone not immediately having time for me, a passing comment in a raised tone, even constructive criticism could set me off. Once at a family event in a hotel I had a bad meltdown because my uncle was short with me for requesting a different flavour of ice-cream to the one that I had been given. Cue me hiding out in the toilets followed by 3 hours doodling in the back of the car instead of joining the party from my RSD over-reaction (I was 13 by the way! 🙈). I can’t even blame sensory issues for that over-reaction, I just didn’t feel like eating raspberry ripple that day! 😂
So is there any scientific reason for RSD?
RSD, like maladaptive daydreaming, is not a clinical diagnosis so it’s hard to underpin how it works. There isn’t exactly a scientific way to measure rejection. However, as it has been observed in patients with autism and ADHD, psychologists believe that it is caused by alterations in brain structure in the regions that regulate and process emotions such as the frontal lobe and the amygdala- both regions where structural changes have been linked to autistic symptoms.
As discussed previously, autists often have a warped sense of perception and logic so it can be very easy to misconstrue and over-react to rejection. The tendency towards perfectionism and black and white thinking in particular can make us far more susceptible to such negative reactions. For example, if someone told me that they didn’t like my shoes, even though it’s only one component of my outfit and just a passing comment, my younger self would have spiraled.
Life is often all or nothing for an autist, so if someone rejects one small thing, it may skew our entire perception of ourselves.
You don’t like my shoes = you don’t like me.
The shoes are wrong, I chose the shoes, the shoes are on my body, therefore, I’m wrong. The world is black and white so if I’m wearing the wrong shoes, everything else about me has to be wrong by extension- you’re either wrong or right, you can’t be both.
RSV can be pretty exhausting for an autist, so understanding of our responses to rejection is vital to supporting us. If you’re struggling with RSV, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help you learn how to better process feelings of rejection, but medication such as ADHD drugs and anti-depressants can be useful for more severe cases.
A Is For Aoife Not Autism 