Was Kurt Cobain Autistic?

Greetings Earthlings! πŸ™‚

This week I’d like to discuss something that I’ve been wondering about for a while, whether Nirvana front man Kurt Cobain was on the autistic spectrum.

As a teenager in the mid noughties, I discovered the music of Nirvana during a particularly turbulent time in my life (the joys of being an undiagnosed teenage aspie). Kurt’s words brought me great comfort as he verbalized so many emotions that I was struggling to identify. Reading more about his life, I really identified with him and felt a sense of kinship- his experiences of bullying and struggling to fit in as a teen, his shyness and intense sensitivity, his struggles with mental health and how he was so often misunderstood by the world.

After receiving my Asperger’s diagnosis in 2014, I became more familiar with autistic traits, and I often wondered if maybe Kurt had been on the spectrum- a question that many people have pondered on various messaging boards across the internet. Kurt was a quirky individual, often aloof and preferring social isolation, regularly rejecting social norms as many autists are prone to. He was an extremely sensitive individual who often struggled to balance empathy and apathy as he cared so deeply about the world and everyone in it. His struggles with addiction are well documented, something that is increasingly associated with autists. Kurt also suffered from an agonizing, unexplained stomach complaint. Many autists suffer from co-morbid digestive issues, issues that can be exacerbated by intense stress- the kind that would be worsened by such a meteoric rise to fame like Kurt’s.

The Dispatch - CDE News - Nirvana

Interestingly, Kurt’s widow Courtney Love is mildly autistic- if Kurt was indeed on the spectrum, this could explain their intense connection and turbulent relationship. Some of my closest friends are on the spectrum and the sense of connection I feel with them is completely different to my other friendships- we understand each other more than anyone else ever could, like matching locks and keys clicking perfectly together.

Having recently finished Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl’s memoir ‘The Storyteller‘ (for any Nirvana or Foo Fighter’s fans I highly recommend it πŸ™‚ ), Dave’s personal stories from life on the road with Kurt have really reaffirmed for me what I had long suspected. In the book, Dave talks of how the huge crowds that gathered to see Nirvana in tiny venues at the peak of their fame would drive him to breaking point, constantly crawling onto the stage and interrupting the set. Kurt would reach a point in the show where he would become completely frustrated and seemingly overwhelmed with the feral fans and he would proceed to break things around him like instruments, soundboards, anything he could find to vent his frustrations. As Dave described in the book, when Kurt got frustrated, things were going to get destroyed. To the media, this seemed like a deliberate rock and roll statement, but Dave assures the reader that it was no show.

The Storyteller: Tales of Life and Music: Amazon.co.uk: Grohl, Dave:  9781398503700: Books

Reading these passages felt so much like someone describing an outsiders view of a meltdown. So many times during a meltdown I’ve felt the intense need to pick things up and throw them or break them just to disperse some of the pent up emotions from sensory overload (my maths book was thrown at the wall soooo many times when I couldn’t understand my homework!). When your brain is overloaded from sensory input, it pushes you to physically output energy to try to redirect your overload and expend some of the excess energy coursing through your brain. Stimming is the classic example, but sometimes the physical urge manifests in other ways like throwing things, punching, kicking etc.

Kurt’s quotes and lyrics have always resonated strongly with me. As many of you may have noticed, my homepage is emblazoned with his immortal words: “Trying to be someone else is a waste of the person that you are.” Kurt’s lyrics are ablaze with the pain of someone who always struggled with their identity, never felt at ease, never felt like they belonged. In the song Dumb, Kurt gently lilts “I’m not like them, but I can pretend,” a sentiment that resonates with so many of us autists. Perhaps his life could have turned out differently had there been a better understanding of neurodiversity during his lifetime ❀

Kurt Cobain | Blogged about here | Sally | Flickr

Hope you enjoyed this post dear Earthlings!

Have a lovely weekend! πŸ™‚

Aoife

Aoife’s Top Songs for Emotional Processing

Greetings Earthlings! πŸ™‚

Today I’m going to do something a little bit different and discuss with you some of the songs that I often find helpful for emotional processing.

Many autists struggle with alexithymia, (or an inability to identify emotions), which can make emotional processing challenging at times. How can you process anger for example, if you don’t even realize that you’re angry?

As I’ve discussed in previous posts (Autism and Music,Β Autism 101- Meltdowns), in my experience, music can play a very important role in helping Β me to navigate and process my emotions. I may not be able to identify the emotion, but the right song can unlock and free my mind.

Now, I have amassed quite a large collection of go-to songs, albums and artists in times of need, all of which I can’t include in a single blog post, but for the purposes of this post I’ll tell you about some of my favourites πŸ™‚

Jimmy Eat World- Futures (2004)

Futures‘, one of my top 3 favourite albums (which was interestingly given to me by a friend who was also diagnosed with AS as an adult!), is rife with lyrical inspiration. In times of muddled emotions I often find myself reaching for this album to verbalize and unlock my feelings so that I can find my way through the fog.

You can listen to (most of) the full album in the playlist below:

^^^copyright laws are making it much harder to track down albums on YouTube! πŸ™‡

Their song ‘The Middle’ on their previous album ‘Bleed American (2001)‘ is also a great one for those days when you’re feeling lost and a little outcast from your neurotypical peers πŸ™‚

Linkin Park- Meteora (2003)

RIP Chester Bennington! πŸ˜₯

Taken too young, but your music shall endure.

During some dark and difficult times as a teenager, your lyrics were there for me in a very powerful way. I must have listened to ‘Meteora’ every day after school when I was 16. The lyrics expressed in this album verbalized the storm of emotions I was experiencing better than I could ever convey. Struggles with identity, bullying, feelings of depression- this album beautifully expressed in words the emotions that I could not make sense of and helped me through the darkness.

I also found the music of Nirvana to be quite effective in unlocking some of my more complex emotions.

The Gift- Seether (Karma and Effect, 2005)

Seether are my all time favourite band. I could write an entire post on the music of Seether alone- who knows maybe I will one day! πŸ™‚ The music is heavy, but their lyrics are powerful! The 2011 album ‘Holding onto Strings Better Left to Fray’Β got me through the grief of losing my dog to cancer (rather ironic given the title! πŸ˜› ). Seether are often my first port of call when I’m struggling to process my feelings. ‘The Gift‘ in particular has always held a special place in my heart.

Other songs I find useful by Seether include Here and Now (try find the deconstructed version- just beautiful!), Breakdown, Rise Above This, Sympathetic and Tongue.

Foo Figthers- Walk (Wasting Light, 2011)

Man I love this song! πŸ˜€ One of my favorite memories is headbanging to this song in the rain at Slane Castle 2 years ago, just letting go of all my problems without a care in world! πŸ™‚

Learning to walk again!

That’s exactly how it felt in the wake of my diagnosis.

The Foo Fighter’s have some great songs like this for emotional processing in their discography πŸ™‚

The Kill (Bury Me)- 30 Seconds to Mars (A Beautiful Lie, 2005)

Don’t let the title fool you! As Jared Leto once said, “don’t be scared! It’s a nice song- about losing your mind.” Perfectly poignant for those days when you’re melting down! If you need something a little calmer, look up the acoustic version of this song- it’s amazing!

A Beautiful Lie‘ is a great album in general for emotional processing in my experience πŸ™‚

Second Chance- Shinedown (Sound of Madness, 2008)

Again, like Seether, Shinedown have a lot to offer in their lyrics. I’ve been turning a lot to their music these past 3 years as I’ve been processing my diagnosis and found it to be quite therapeutic πŸ™‚

I realize that many of these songs come from the alternative side of the musical spectrum, however, I do occasionally listen to music that falls outside of this genre πŸ˜›

A Window to the Past- John Williams (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Soundtrack, 2004)

Oh no- she’s off on the Harry Potter wagon again! πŸ˜›

OK! I know- buutttt, you cannot deny the genius that is renowned score composer John Williams! Without him we would not have the Star WarsΒ theme, Superman, Indiana Jones, Jurrasic Park and everyone’s favourite Jaws!

Dun- dun…dun- dun.... πŸ˜‰

On the third Harry Potter soundtrack there exists a song of pure magic (see what I did there πŸ™‚ πŸ˜‰ ). Whilst the song is entirely instrumental, this beautiful piece is filled with emotion and has helped to calm many a storm within my mind πŸ™‚

I’d tell you about a few more of the songs I find soothing outside of rock and roll, buuuttt as much as I like to tell you about my life in this blog, I don’t think I’m comfortable revealing some of my guilty pleasures quite so publicly (Yep, they are that bad! πŸ˜› πŸ˜‰ )

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There we have it Earthlings! A brief insight into the contents of my ipod. I could go on for ages, but it’s better if I give you the highlights for now. So many bands, so little time!

If I have time I’ll circle back to this subject at a later stage with more music recommendations for autism management πŸ™‚

Have a good weekend everyone!

Aoife

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