Discussion: Love and Romance

Greetings Earthlings! 🙂

In continuation from my previous post, today I’m going to expand a little bit more on the social problems autists experience in romantic situations.

We’ve already explored some science on the subject, so now I’m going to try and clue you in a little bit on what it’s like inside my head 🙂

As a person with autism, my life is often governed by rules- don’t tell lies, never go over the speed limit, don’t put raisins in a scone (a serious crime against cake! 😛 )!

Hence when it comes to socializing, things start to get tricky. Even trickier in matters of the heart. Rules exist when it comes to love, but these rules are in a constant state of flux- and I just can’t seem to keep up! 😛

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Social rules are a cornucopia of contradictions- a source of constant frustration for the black and white autistic mind.

Opposite’s attract, but birds of a feather flock together. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but out of sight is also out of mind. Treat them mean to keep them keen,  but do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

It’s enough to make your brain explode!

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The majority of autistic people want to love and be loved as much as anyone else, however, when the goalposts keep moving and the game keeps changing, it can be extremely difficult to navigate the battlefield of love.

Growing up, love always seemed so easy on screen. Boy meets girl, boy asks girl out on a date- both know where they stand and so relationships blossom.

Easy peasy right?

Wrong! 😛

Boy was I in for a shock when I got smacked with the reality stick! I was in no way prepared for the games that teenage boys play with your mind and heart.

Wide eyed and innocent, I believed the boys who said they fancied me, I believed the so called friends who encouraged me- but all along I was being set up for a fall. It was all just a game to mess with the weirdo who’d never been kissed, and I never saw it coming.

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In hindsight when I see pictures of my atrocious hair cut at the time, I really should have seen through them! 😛

I was in for an even bigger reality check when it came to night’s out.

People grabbing you on the dance floor, stinking of booze and cigarettes, expecting you to just fall into their arms! Whatever happened to chat up lines, buying someone a drink, or even just learning their name? I struggle with things as innocent as hugs, how was I meant to cope with this invasion of space, not to mention the sensory fallout?!

This wasn’t the path to romance, this was carnage! 😛

If you are one of the lucky few who can get past this awkward stage to forge a real connection, communicating one’s feelings can be a real struggle for an autist. Saying the words ‘I love you’, even to family members, does not come naturally for me. I can tell my dogs I love them a thousand times a day, but ask me to say it to my parents and I freeze. It’s not that I don’t love them, I just can’t seem to get the words out…

Advice for family and significant others (SO): Don’t take this struggle personally. Your child/SO does really care about you, they just struggle to show it 🙂

Psychologists are of the opinion that we don’t see a need to repeatedly tell people that we love them, and hence we don’t say the words. Personally, I’m not sure that I’d agree with this explanation. I do want to say the words, they just won’t come out. In their absence, I’ve learned to do what I can through action to show people I care- a cake or a knitted present say more than I ever could 🙂

When it comes to romantic situations, this struggle for words is multiplied tenfold! With so many conflicting rules about showing affection or revealing your feelings, as with empathy, sometimes it’s easier to stay silent. I weigh up all the options, assess every social rule, turn myself upside down and inside out over my feelings- and then do absolutely NOTHING about it by default! 😛 Painful as it is, sometimes it just feels like the easiest option. There’s no drama, no outright rejections, no awkward moments…but also no requited love! As a result, I’ve landed myself in the friend-zone more times than I can count! 😛

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Over the years I’ve become a little more assertive in this regard. I eventually work up some bit of courage to communicate my emotions, but it’s still a real struggle to get there. I frequently undergo these periods of hyper-analysis prior to opening my mouth!

Advice for SO’s/potential SO’s: Be direct and let us know how you feel. We can’t read between the lines, we struggle to comprehend the rules of love and fathom the games- the direct approach is the way to go. The object of your affections may seem aloof, but they might simply not know how to act on their emotions. Just ask them out- their answer may surprise you 🙂

If my future husband happens to be reading this- when you meet me, no games please! 😛 😉

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Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! 🙂

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Aoife

Discussion-Neurodiversity

Greetings Earthlings! 🙂

Today I’m going to discuss the movement of neurodiversity within the autistic community.

Originating in the late 1990’s, neurodiversity is a concept which suggests that neurological conditions such as autism, are simply a variation in thinking or wiring, rather than a disease that needs to be cured.

Think of iPhones and Windows Phones- both perform similar functions, but each have different circuitry.

Neurodiversity advocates that neurological differences should be considered a separate social category (such as sexual orientation, gender and ethnicity) and respected as such.

The movement is represented by this symbol:

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^^^ These colours make my brain happy 🙂 😉

Further to this, neurodiveristy classifies people as being either ‘neurotypcial’ (exhibit “normal” cognitive functioning) or ‘neurodiverse’ (autistic).

In a nutshell- neurodiverse people are wired differently, so we think differently; BUT, this difference is the same as any other genetic variation- like having blue eyes or brown.

You follow? 🙂

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However, this movement is seen as controversial and problematic in some circles as this broad term covers both low and high functioning forms of autism. It is thought that the concept of neurodiversity is skewed in favour of higher functioning and milder forms of autism.

This is a tricky one, but not necessarily relevant.

Let’s look at the case of Iris Grace, an autistic child artist.

Iris at 7 years old, is world-renowned for her astonishing and mesmerizing paintings, however, Iris has severe autism. Indeed, she struggles greatly with speech and communication, but her paintings are truly the product of a gifted and neurodiverse mind.

You can see Iris in action below:

Neurodiversity is central to one of the biggest discussions in the autistic community- the search for a cure.

Now if we consider neurodiversity to be a regular genetic variation, this begs an important question- should we be seeking a cure for autism?

Think of the Windows Phone again. Sure it’s not as slick as the iPhone and doesn’t have the same range of apps, but you wouldn’t try to change it very much would you? Updates can be installed to improve the model, but ultimately we accept that a Windows Phone will never be an iPhone. We see them as a separate smart phone category- individual in their own right.

Ironically, I’m a Windows Phone girl in real life! 😛

(^^^Update- Withdrawal of apps has since forced me to go Android 😦 )

If we can accept diversity in the world of electronics, why then do we seek to expunge it from the human race?

The autistic mind is wonderful and unique in its own right. With it comes new insights, quirks and ideas, unique gifts and talents. If we endeavor to cure the autistic community, do we risk the destruction of this uniqueness?

Personally, I would not wish a cure for myself. Don’t get me wrong, there are indeed times when life would be much easier if I could be just like everyone else, but I wouldn’t have my brain any other way.

If I had to pop a camouflage pill everyday to pass for “normal”, how could I still be me? If you took away my autism, would I still see the world as a source of infinite curiosity? Would I still have the same talents and interests- would I still love Harry Potter?! 😛 😉

A family member asked me shortly after my diagnosis, what was I going to do now? What was my plan- as if I had some terrible disease! 😛

Neurodiversity challenges us to rethink our perceptions of autism. It should not be seen as something to be cured, but managed with love and support.

Leading autism expert Simon Baron-Cohen once said that:

“having autism [is] like being a fresh water fish in salt water. In that environment, [we] are disabled. In the right environment, the disability reduces and [we] not only blossom but can fulfill [our] potential.”

It is not autism that needs to be cured, but our attitudes towards it.

And yes for those of you wondering- he is the first cousin of this guy 😉 :

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Freshwater and saltwater fish, Windows Phones and iPhones, neurotypical and neurodiverse- these are all natural variants.

What makes one more desirable than another? Why should one be changed while the other stays the same?

At the end of the day, “normal” is subjective.

Autism is my normal-why would I ever want to change that?

No cure? No cure needed.

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I may not want to change my brain, but hopefully I can help to change people’s perceptions of autism with this blog.

Autists may think in black and white, but autism itself is a spectrum of colour 🙂

Aoife

 

 

 

 

Autism 101-Lesser known ASD’s

Greetings Earthlings! 🙂

Today’s post is going to be short and sweet exploring two of the lesser known ASD’s:

  • Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS)
  • Childhood disintegrative disorder (or Heller’s syndrome)

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I know… these are a bit of a mouthful, but once you get past the names they’re not that difficult to understand 🙂

Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS):

As discussed in my Intro to the Spectrum, a pervasive developmental disorder impairs normal growth and development of the brain resulting in a wide range of effects (i.e. autism). PDD-NOS is basically a catch all term to describe individuals who are on the spectrum, but do not fit the criteria for specific ASD’s.

So if you had some of the traits of Asperger’s syndrome for example, but didn’t fully fit the bill, you may be given a diagnosis of PDD-NOS.

This is often referred to as atypical autism.

Childhood disintegrative disorder/Heller’s syndrome:

Childhood disintegrative disorder (CDD) is a rare ASD, estimated to be 60 times less prevalent than classic autism. In comparison to other ASD’s, this low functioning form of autism is quite unusual in it’s late onset.

Children with CDD appear to develop normally before suddenly showing signs of developmental delay around 3-4 years of age. In some cases, there are even reversals in development with loss of speech, motor skills and social function- as if someone hit the rewind button in your brain.

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This is known as regressive autism.

Discovered 35 years prior to autism, to this day, doctors remain baffled as to the cause of this condition.

So there we have it- not quite as complicated as the names suggest 😉

As this is a little more clinical than some of my other posts, I’d like to end on an encouraging note.

Last year, some of you may have come across this viral interview with actor Channing Tatum:

In the video, Channing is interviewed by Carly Fleischmann- a remarkable young woman with non-verbal autism. As a child, Carly was diagnosed with autism, cognitive delay and oral-motor apraxia (the inability to properly coordinate oral movements for speech). At first, such a diagnosis appears devastating, but in this video, Carly proves an ASD diagnosis is not the end of the world.

Through years of persistent therapy and hard work, Carly found ways to communicate by typing with one finger. Although still confronted with the serious challenges of autism, in this video, Carly achieves her dream of becoming the world’s first autistic, non-verbal chat show host! 😀

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When a diagnosis of autism is given, it can be difficult to remain positive. Unlike Dante in Inferno however, we need not abandon hope.

It very much exists.

Whatever your spectrum diagnosis may be, Carly’s story shows that we can succeed in spite of our difficulties 🙂

Aoife

Abbreviations: ASD- Autism spectrum disorder

 

 

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